i don't want to live in a cloud anymore / some brief thoughts on sobriety
lately, i've felt happier when i don't drink or smoke weed. this is a very big departure from my lifestyle in my 20s, when i was mostly always stoned and, while i would never have considered myself to have a problem with drinking, it was a big part of my social life. at 34, i feel like i almost drink alcohol and smoke weed because its just what i've always done. almost every time, hours later, i'm sitting there, or laying on my bed, thinking well, i wish i was sober now.
a big part of it for me is that i am more content to just be in my own head space now. i know what i like. i know what i don't like. i know what makes me feel good, and i know what doesn't. though the ritual, and the habit of drinking, still lures me in. the idea of coming home from work, and unwinding with a beer feels so attractive, and to a certain part, almost dissociative. that used to feel really good. now, i just feel cloudy. i'm tired of living in a cloud.
i also really enjoy taking care of myself, and want to continue to age gracefully, or as gracefully as i can. maybe i'll try some new routines, now that the weather is nice, to relax, instead of just getting some beer and putting on a record, or sitting in the chair in the corner in the sun, reading a book. last year, i would go on walks after work, and even went as far as getting nice sneakers to walk in, and i think i will definitely take up that again. my coworker suggested trying running too, and when i said well, i've never done that before, he recommended just starting slow, but just doing it. go on walks, wear the right shoes, and every so often, run a light jog for one block. then rest, walk the next one. i did that a little bit last summer, and honestly, it felt better than i ever expected it to, so i'll definitely continue that this year too.