constantly trying to be less anxious / remember that buffy episode
i developed some film today, two rolls of black and white that had been sitting on my shelf for almost a year. one roll came out great, a lot of photos i took at phosphorescent's show in richmond. it was my second time seeing them, though the first was roughly 10 years ago, in boston in 2014. i love photographing musicians, and always make sure to have my camera with me, even if it means talking to people and obtaining the right passes.
i want to talk about the ones that didn't come out though. the all the saints theatre halloween parade in oregon hill was the subject. i biked over to my friends house to meet up with a few people, and at that time, while these people were nice, they were still fairly new friends. it took a lot of courage for me to even leave the house, and i still didn't feel super confident being me in this new city. i brought my camera, picked up a new roll of black and white film, but failed to bring a flash. i think i just wanted to stay on the sidelines, and because of this, because i gave in to my anxiety, i didn't get very many good photos. i said, "oh, i'll just push the film a few stops, that will get me some spooky grain that will fit the subject nicely". even if i had remembered to develop it differently, i still wouldn't have been happy with these photos though. for most of it, i was photographing over my friend's shoulder. i was hiding.
i want to stop hiding. i want to be able to ignore by anxiety so badly, because i know i am capable of so much. its a journey i've been on, and still am on. looking at these photos, today, in march of 2026, i still recognize that anxiety i felt that october, and i think of how i feel today. i still feel anxious, but not as much.
i am getting better.
next halloween, when it comes time for the parade, i'm going to bring a flash, probably my digital camera too, and not be afraid to take photos of everyone marching in their amazing costumes, the masks, the marching band. i want to lose myself in my art the way i used to when i was first starting, in high school and college.
i think a big part of overcoming anxiety is recognizing it, just like this, and making plans to do whatever was making you anxious in the future. i guess that's some sort of exposure therapy, or something. its important to not be afraid of taking up space, because everyone takes up space. by standing in the back, feeling afraid, feeling like a weirdo, you become that weirdo. by getting up there, being unashamedly yourself, and having fun, you become that incredible, creative person you know you are.
i'm constantly reminded of the episode of buffy the vampire slayer, i think season 2. its a halloween episode, and the opening scene shows them all picking out costumes at a new halloween store. willow worries her costume is too daring, too powerful, and doubles back and grabs a simple white sheet ghost option to put over it. long story short, a spell is cast and she passes out, only to wake up as a ghost. as she wakes up though, she pulls off the sheet hiding her other costume, a bad ass leather get up, and walks off to find her friends.
this part is something i should think of more when i'm feeling anxious, and like i want to hide.
i should think this is not who i am, i'm a great photographer, a musician, an artist, and i have a great sense of style.
i should think i may be weird, but its better to be weird than normal.
most importantly, i should think i'm getting better, and remember willow leaving that sheet on the porch, and walking off into the night.