hoping it gets better
its been a while since i've journaled or blogged, and i've noticed i feel less present with myself. i also am using my phone again as a "smart phone", rather than a dumbed down minimalist interface. it still feels okay though, and that is because i still don't have any social media platforms that suck me into a doomscroll. yes, i have more on my phone than i did a month ago now, including email, news, and the ny times games, but none of that is necessarily short form content. that is what really gets me into a bad place, is consuming hours of short form content. i've actually enjoyed using my phone in the ways its designed to be helpful. when i have a lot to take care of in day, i use the reminders app and get a lot of satisfaction in checking things off because they just disappear. does it still control my life a little too much? yes. i feel that by getting a dumbphone though, i'd be making things that are already incredibly difficult nearly impossible, though (that is, getting on in the world and trying to make some sort of a career that i can support myself in and feel fulfilled by). i think the key is to just be incredibly mindful of all of my technology use, and remember to use everything as tools to do specific tasks, rather than just always having my screen open and staring into the void.
all in all, its been a tough month. this is the anniversary (its been 12 years, as of the 5th of may) of a really terrible freak bike accident i had when i was 22, when i broke my hip. ever since then, biking has been hard for me emotionally to commit to with the same zeal. i'm much more careful now, i don't push myself, and around the first week of may, i never ride my bike. i've also found that my current job is not progressing as fast as i wanted. i'm currently working as much as i can without being officially full time, so my employer doesn't have to give me health benefits and PTO. i'm told that at some point, when the budget allows, i will officially become full time, but because that has consistently not happened on time i feel betrayed and worthless. i'm not in the worst place, because i know at least i can get by with what i have, but its not the best place either. i continue to miss my old friends and family up in new england, as well.
hoping it gets better.